Takamerlin's words

08:36 am

Boy do I have the wierdest friggin dreams

( The dream )

12:31 pm - My first fic post

Disclaimer: Not mine. 

Name: Quid Pro Quo

Fandom: Harry Potter

Rating:     PG 13 (lang)

Summery:         A confrontation between enemies.

Char:    Hermione. Draco

Warning:   Dark fic. No fuz of anykind to behold

AN: First fic in this fandom, second fic ever – be brutal. I won’t improve if I don’t get the skinny

 ( Read more... )

09:11 am

I'm at work and suffering. It's gone from bad to worse everybody wants a piece of me - ah crap - I want to go back to bed so badly I can actually feel the phantom covers on my cold feet.

On the up side I spent most of last night figuring out where my offiice furniture should go so at least today all I have to do is move them. A friggin awesome prospect (Note the sarcasm)

09:36 am - I hate the phone

I'm so bloody paranoid! For the last couple of weeks I have somehow convinced myself that everytime my bosses phone rings it's someone about to complain about me! Which it hasn't been, not even once! The law of averages dude! Someone, somewhere is not happy with my work and they are out to get me!


ARG I need some solid sleep and the good non-recreational drug, also the nice men with the white van wouldn't be amiss

08:34 pm - fiction

I've just finished reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Series. Mostly because the movie keeps popping up in my fandoms and it was confusing the hell outta me. And I've got to say I'm disapointed.

The author is a bit scatterbrained. There are only partially developed characters that you get attached to and then get abandoned in the middle of nowhere. Ms Meyer seems to distance the reader from her characters.

Usually when I've read a four book series I'm very excited about what I hope will happen to them in future installments or sad/happy/intrigued about current affairs in their lives . . . something for my imagination to chew on while I wait for the nexr part to be written. This left me cold. Four books and I can't be bothered to find out if there's a fifth out there somewhere.

There must have been a lot of creative rewrites on the set of the movie to assemble such a beautifully character driven story for the silver screen from such a dry impersonal speck of drivel.

08:12 pm

Am I the only person in the world who despises the new year? I can state, catagorically, that all new years I have had to endure these past 5 years have been .... quite miserable. I am not a overly sentimental person and do not therefore care much about others feeling or thoughts.                   

But. The first week of the new year is for fresh starts, renewals, inspiration and all the rest that go with the optimism. Trite, I suppose, but there you go.

Only my first week of the has been hellish. Work wise and homewise. And I always seem to realize that I do not like either of those things overly much and there is little to nothing I can do about it.

I wonder sometimes. Is this all there is? Daily routines with only slight variations? is this the some total of existence? Rats in a mase of our own creation? I do not think of myself as a pessimist or a "realist" I simply wonder these things and realise no sane person can give me an answer that I'd be satisfied with.

What to do, what to do?

11:26 am - I declare today 'Make fun of the world' day

Ha Ha Ha.

Let's start with America - with their recently elected "black" president. In South Africa the man would not even qualify as a brown person. And all I hear is America's got a black president, breaking traditions, making history.

Are you fucking kidding me !!!?!!

The world has pink, blue, yellow, purple - yes even brown leaders. Welcome our backward brothers and sisters.

This is a really mean thing to say and I do realize this is NOT true but If I don't actively remind myself that it's NOT TRUE I tend to think of Americans as stupid fat people. Obesity is a national pandemic - children the size of houses - what!, jello like blobs masquerading as people.  While holding them to the body standards set by Hollywood stick figures with it's veneer of perfection. (but that's a rant for another day) Teaching abstinence only in schools - oh, don't use a condom, their defective and don't actually work.  *lies lies lies lies*  We know you're curious hormonal teenagers but don't do it the bible says so. HUH. So you let your children not know about condoms in a world with HIV/AIDS you tell all of them, regardless of their religion, that having sex before your married will buy you an express ticket to hell. And, of course, you're completely blind to the fact that all teenager will rebel one way or another only catching wisdom and advice in dribbles and drabs. condoms bad. sex bad. have sex without condoms. MORONS. Your supposed to separate religion and politics.

And then of course the biggest joke EVER. Don't ask don't tell.  You can't fight for the country you love and believe in if you like fucking someone with the same bits as you. America lowered their standards, sick people and criminals are allowed to be in their military. But gay people have to lie about such an intrinsic part of themselves just to fight alongside criminals and sick people. My personal experience has been this: you don't fuck with the moffies (gays) they will bliksem the shit out of you. You need to be big and beefy or have beady eyes to be scary and moffies come in both those flavours.  Oh BTW what exactly are you people fighting these days. I've asked and got so many different responses that I'm thoroughly confused.

Oh and Ireland. Hello smucks! Two predominant religions - or more accurately two ways to worship- Protestants and Catholics. They believe in God not just any god, the SAME GOD. One group goes to bended knee  and prays for help and assistance before blowing up a car in the middle of a busy street while the other crosses himself praying to god before ransacking and burning down a house knowing he'll confess these crimes to his priest.

Same goes for the people in Israel. Religious mecca of the world. Come here to see all the holy places other people built long ago in honour of THE SAME God. Don't be shy. If you walk on the road well kill a la stoning.

The English. O these people have mangled their own language in such a way that you have to be either very drunk or very smart to understand. They still have a royal family and aristocrats. A bunch of rich people who tell others what to do, not because the were elected but because other people long ago fought to rule a much smaller population. They have the highest suicide rates in the world for teachers. Also the highest level of illiteracy among 1st world countries and they will pay up to 50 quid for a particular brand of tea. That has the same caffeine content as an average cup of coffee. Weird

The French are rude cheroot smoking sluts. How can you take any of them seriously when every word out of their mouths sound like a dirty come on?

The Scottish can drink you under the table but are a poor people. They have the beautiful Highlands with the even prettier Highlanders and they have haggis gagga ick ick

The Canadians have Maple Syrup and Rodney McKay. Also they have nice French people.

And then there's Darkest Africa. Where lions walk the street and elephants wake you in the morning with their trumpets (a huge fucking rooster dude) and before you get in your car you check for snakes.

Mostly not true for a about 60% of South Africans. (the rest of Africa is a different story) Here you can marry a partner of the same sex, you can be intimidating and in the military while still taking it up the ass. But we have stupid black people. Now I'm too young to really remember 1994 and electing a black president (not a brown or a slightly caramel one but BLACK) or the riots or competent white men loosing their jobs to under qualified inexperienced black people due to Affirmative Action. What I do see here today that's freaking me the fuck out is that it's still happening. Black people in . . . ok first we have about 8 'nations' (the only nationality we have in South Africa is South African) if you will of black people Tswana, Khosa, Zulu, Venda and and and. But I only ever anything to do with the Tswana nation because most of them were assigned living space in a location about  12 Km from my home. Now lets say I get 10 Tswanas in my office between the ages of 30 and 50 office 7 of them won't be able to spell their names two of them will have second year education - basic reading and writing. While the last one will have a 7th year certificate.

Repeat with ages between 20 and 30 all 5 of them will have a grade 8 education 3 will be illiterate 1 will matriculate and the other has tertiary education. Of these last lot 7 are in managerial positions. I kid you not. At our hospital the former janitor is now in charge of the nurses.

This is happening all over the place. I'm hoping that in the next 10 years more coloured people will be educated and gain the experience needed to run this country. And then when everybody has been getting the same education stuff like AA could be done away with.

Also we have biltong and boerewors, pannekoek and vetkoek, which is made of win

Current Mood: contemplative

09:03 am

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? No.
02) What was your dream growing up? To teach
03) What talent do you wish you had? I don't have an artistic bone in my body, I can neither paint nor appriciate a mastes work ( I know it's a masters work cause they tell me it is)
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? Anything in the Caffiene family is fine
05) Favorite vegetable? Beans, the way my mother makes em
06) What was the last book you read? Kathy Riech latest Bones installation
07) What zodiac sign are you? Scorpio
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. I have pierced ears.
09) Worst Habit? I correct people when they mispronounce/misuse words. I also use big word when smaller ones would be more appropriate for the company I'm in
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? Absolutely not, Honey I'm a single white female living in South Africa. My chances for survival plummet every time I step out of my front door
11) What is your favorite sport? Rugby (Boy in TIGHT shirts)
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? Pessimistic with a hopeful heart
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Offer You a smoke as we wait for the people who know what their doing to fix it. Statistically an elevator is one of the least likely things to kill you
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? Almost got raped at my Uni and I live in agony of telling my perant and then going "Oh, by the way I'm Bisexual and this had nothing to do with it"
15) Tell me one weird fact about you. Everynight I have to tell myself a story so I can go to sleep.
16) Do you have any pets? No - don't like animal
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? Coffee or tea? Dinner? I've always got time for a friend.
18) What was your first impression of me? I LOVE Stories, and you know how to tell them
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Haven't an opion on clowns either way
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?  Nothing I believe that God made you who you are and gave you exatcly what you need. I am not nearly arrogant enough to think I know better.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Depends on the crime and the reason behind it. Everybody is capable of everything only your ... reasoning makes the act good or bad
22) What color eyes do you have? Chocolate Brown
23) Ever been arrested? No
24) Bottle or can soda? Bottle
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Paint my room, fix my PC and invest
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at? My House, or a friends house. I don't really do crouds
28) Do you believe in ghosts? I'm a Christian of course I do
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Read
30) Do you swear a lot? Yes all the time...words do not have meaning unless you give them some. I can in all honesty make a sailor blush. I draw the line at religious expletives.
31) Biggest pet peeve? IGiggling bubbleheads using the word like, also pet endearments like honey or darlin, though I use them myself. It's kind of a thing here. Calling a boy Kosie or birdie.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Sarcastic
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance? No
34) Favourite and least favourite food? Favorite: Mom's Beans. Least Favorite: Brussel Sprouts
35) Do you believe in God? Yes, I believe in a God of mercy and forgiveness. Of tolerance and love. I do not believe in the Arabian God of Wrath and Vengance who's name they fight in, beat women to death in, kill children in.
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? Just did.

08:22 am - MeMe's

It appears to be a  MeMe week - so I've gone through my flist and decided on one I like.

Write down 10 fictional characters you'd like to sleep with in no particular order and tag 5 people

1) Lex Luthor
2) Dean Winchester (I believe every woman should get a horny dare devil at least once)
3) Temprance Brennan
4) Xander Harris (*giggles* Such a pretty . . .  smile)
5) Veronica Mars
6) Charlie Epps
7) Don Epps
8)Tony Dinozzo
9) Abby Scutio
10) LJ Gibbs (sir, YES sir)

I Have no Idea how to tag anybody so this is just yummy list for today

03:07 pm

Have you ever been annoyed by yourself? Seriously, think about it. I wake up every morning with me, I know everythink about me, I like and dislike the people around me I've heard all my stories and I've read all the same stories as me, I can't go to the movies without me and .... argh

Screw it. I'm cranky and unhappy and I can't put my finger on why so today I'm annoying me

06:09 pm - MeMe

 If you were going to marry your boyfriend, what would your name be? Mrs Swartz.

What did you do this afternoon? Watched other people finish my cubbourds and started moving back into my room.

When do you plan on having kids or your next kid? I would make a terrible mother (I'm apethetic and disinterested). I will never do that to an innocent being

Do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them? It's silly but he was a closet Sound of Music fan. He's the only person I know who owns the DVD (bought and paid for *not* scavenged.

Can you take a bra off with one hand? Yes

Can you use chopsticks? Only when I'm sober

How old were you when you lost your first tooth? Haven't the foggiest, but I never believed in the tooth fairy. I've always gone to my father with a tooth and demanded a raise.

Were you a hyper or mellow kid? I was a very aggressive tomboy who beat the shit out of my older male peers.

Why did you throw up last? I was upset with my best friend so i got really, really pissed

Last time you were drunk? Last Night

What's for dinner? Sunday Dinner - 2 meats 3 vegetables

Ever been to the Statue of Liberty? No. I live in South Africa - we go to the Voortrekker Monument 

How many e-mail addresses do you have? Three - Working, Gaming and Friends

Do you HAVE to have brand name stuff? Never in your life. I AM NO BRAND BITCH.  What I wear does not define me and I refuse to be judged by others simply by my dress code.

Last time you washed your hair? Last Night.

Do you like Oreos? YES

Do you send out Thank-You cards? No I call.

Can you ice skate? No, it's to warm here artificial ice melts to quickly.

Do you know how to change a diaper? My BFF has two boys under the age of 3, it's madatory

Do you flip people off while driving? Absolutely. It's that or running them over

What colour is your car? Maroon.

Would you take a bullet for anyone? Yes, I definately would.

Do you keep a planner? No, I do however set reminders on my phone for important things

What are you wearing exactly? Long black denim skirt, and a yellow T.

Do you like to grocery shop? Sometimes.

What kind of mood are you in? Jubelant - I just got enough packing space for the next 100 years' crap

Last time you cleaned? right before I sat at the PC.

Did you get an Easter basket? No. The basket thing - not really an issue here

What pills do you take daily? A multi-vite

Do you do your own laundry? No, I have rich perant who can afford a maid. I have never had to do laundry

Do you go tanning? Fuck no!

Has someone close to you passed away this past year? My Nanna - 3 months ago.

Baths or showers? Don't own a shower, yet

Do you take out the trash? Yes

Are you getting engaged any time soon? Not if I Can help it 

What's the best part about being single? Solitude 

Paper or Plastic? paper. .

Do you watch "The Hills"? Nope.

Last CD you played? Linkin Park - Minutes after Midnight

What did you do last Saturday night? Watched a movie with my Bff and her kids - The barnyard.

Which one of your friends is going to have the cutest baby? Jean-Pierre .

What is the theme of your bedroom? Comfort - I care about comfort so I don't care about matching stuff just having it feel good being in there

Wearing any bracelets? Never- makes it difficult to type

Last thing someone bought for you? CD Pouch.

What are you going to do now? Help my BFF Move her stuff around.

What went down in your last argument? My parents not getting devorced - I want them to .

What should you be doing right now? Getting off my behind and helping MJ move her shit (she's got a really intese glare aimed right at my back at the moment)

What do you hear?

Whats your favourite Boy/ Girls name? Boy - Xander, Girld - Antoinette

Do you have any new pets? Nope.

Current annoyance? Closet space.

Are you giving up/ changing something about your life? Starting my studies again so I can get out of this crappy job and move on to bigger and better things.

Whats the last text message you recieved? Pleas call me.

Last time you had a good laugh? Just now.

Are you happy? Mostly. I am not broken, but I'm slightly damaged so when I'm dark - I'm fucking dark

12:30 pm - Bodyhair

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

Current Mood: cranky

05:56 pm

In the last couple of days most of my friends got this list. So I thought why not? And I'm very proud of myself. I'll be 21 at the end of this year and I've made quite a dent in this list *pats self on back*

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
3a) Make red the book you would take to a desert island
4) Reprint this list in your LJ.





1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling (Except the last one - I refuse to let it end!)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

11:53 am

Ouma is dood. A good woman wasted away before my blase gaze. She died fighting for every breath she took.

Die lewe is nie fair nie. Die mense is almal konte. Kinders speel nie meer in parke nie en huisvroue is almal convinced die tsotsies gaan inbreek hulle ryp en die familie silwer steel.

En my ouma is dood.

My Gran died. From Brain Cancer. A prisoner in her own flesh.

Thank you Lord for coming for her.

But you took your fucking time getting here.

11:17 pm - Arme ek - only not

O wee, my ma en pa wil skei. Na amper 4 jaar se gewag het hulle finally besluit om op te hou lieg. Ek kan nie sê dat ek verbaas is nie. I mean really 'n mens kan ook maar net so veel crap van mense vat voor jy hulle dwars in die krop wil skop.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL - o nee, wanneer my wêreld lus is om my van my axis af te skop doen ons dit in style. My ouma het gegaan van beaten bors kanker tot tumour on the brain. 6 maande. geen hoop. Maak julle reg vir die ergste. Sy't gegaan van die vrou in my lewe met wie jy nie sukkel nie na 'n klein tengerige mensie wat skaars hoorbaar is.

Verlede jaar was ek op varsity, toe gooi die lewe my vir 'n loop en toe is ek nie meer op varsity nie. Nou werk ek weer. Spaar vir my toekoms. Bid vir die beste en werk teen die ergste.

Ek loop vir die langste tyd rond asof daar 'n groot swaar gewig op my skouers is en ek kan nie daaronder uit kom nie. Pretend. Als is fine. Die lewe is nie in slow motion nie. Ek is nie besig om te verdrink nie. elke oomblik wat ek sit en praat en serk en fake smiles uitdeel en sê "JY SKULD MY".

Tot nou die dag - toe ons my ouma se honde gaan kos en water gee en haar bure in trane uitbars en belowe om te trek omdat hulle ouma besig is om dood te gaan. Ek staan daar voor die tralies en hou hierdie man wat net jonger as my pa is dop. En ek dink - dis mooi

Sy't hierdie mense geraak. Tangeble proof dat sy hier was. Dat sy onthou gaan word.

When I found out she's dying I bought me a bottle vodka a bottle potency to packs of marbolo reds and had a glorious freakout session. Obviously I'm more adjusted than I thought because I still have the bottle vodka. (though neither the potency or the smokes saw the light of dawn)

My gran was, unfortunately, the catalist for my parents' freakout and two days later decided on devorce. I'm 21 in November. It should not be a big thing for them to finally call it quits. And in a way it's not. In a nother way it's the most devestating thing that's ever happened to me. In my more intospective moments (for which I've a electronic dairy I can't loose) I think I heard the death knell of my childhood. Typical my life goes to hell meraly skipping down dangerous alleys and it's a normal thing like devorce that forces me to grow up.

But I actually needed to grow up. It's made think of a few things. And I'm quite pleased with myself.

You see, I'm not broken. Not even a little bit. I have no reason to be sad. My Gran loves life and has had almost 70 years to find joy in living.

no, that's wrong.

she just LIVED. She was there for all of it. no half assed anything.

Which always bugged me - She's cheerful even when she facumed! For crying out loud.

My perants need to get away from each other - they are the other's soul. I can do clean-up.

Current Mood: content

09:40 am - Homophobia IS WRONG

PLEASE READ WHAT'S UNDER THIS!!!

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.


Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it

12:12 pm - here and now

Good Morning

I've not been neer my journal in . . . WAY to long. But i'm back and hopefully staying.

I work at a place called Marcus Evans (don't ask me why someone would name a company that) as a Researcher. Unfortunately I will have to leave here soon. With the petrol prices and food inflation going though the roof. 22% in 18 months.

Hopefully I can get a job closer to home

Current Mood: apathetic

04:39 pm - Something Diffirent

Back at work. Had a hard time at the uni, with things completely unrelated to school.

My life is in a . . . well it's chaotic. So now I plan of finishing my stdies part time while i get my head back on my shoulders.

Whish me luck, fortitude, attitude and faith.

04:38 pm - NEW BEGINNINGS

I've recently left my job to go and study, and thats what i'm doing. It's great. I'm at NWU Potch and I'm loving every moment of it.

A lot has changed since i've last been here. My friends have changed my world's completely different than I envisioned it 4 this whole 'whoo universaty' trip. it soothes me that there are so many people here all going their own ways doing their own things always busy.

Current Mood: calm

05:19 pm - FRIENDS

aren't friends the best thing ever? today i got an email from one i haven't seen in a while. (in my terms it means 'not seen in more than a week) He's one3 of the sweetest men i've ever known.

he's also practically engaged to my best female friend. Which in a sense is a wonderful thing, she's as close to a equal i'll ever get in the female gender. But it saddens me to c her married.

I don't believe in marriage. it's a farce. Lifetime commitments should be made as an adult not a girl barely 10 months out of high school.

reasonings like these are the reason why i'll be an old spinster in her 80's who've never married.

my friends all pity me for this, since their all planning weddings and children in their heart of hearts.

Even my best friend has designs on a white wedding. Practically the only virgin i know. Deffinately the only male i know of.

I feel wierd writing my most private thoughts in a electronic journal.

i want love don't get me wrong. but i want a life commitment. not a wedding... sound weird i know.

I'm bi, so to me commitment will always be equalled to a life partner - never a husband. If I ever got married it'll be for money and a helluva BIG house.

Beacuse let's face it, life is about money. i've got god and to me - being diffirent from the churches view on gayness - he's a parent... a father who looks upon his children with a fondness we rarely experience today.

he might not approve of my . . . sin but he loves me anyway.


as a person that makes me feel very good inside. As a woman it gives me hope for the future. as a post-adolesant it helps me get through the day.

and as a bisexual. . . it allows me to be me.

10:22 pm - whata

i'm not much of a writer and i'm not used to keeping a journal of any sorts. so this will be an experience i've never actually had.

as i understand it other people will be able to look at these ramblings. that's fine so long as no one expects me not to elaborate on my emotional and mental health any more than i'm willing i won't burn down any houses.

I'm 19, female, and bored.

I work full time. this was actually supposed to be my year off before varsity. and it is. only nobody told me that having a year off left you with so much leisure time.

terrible, i know.

unfortunately i don't really like writing so these words will mostly be nothing to anybody else but rambling but to me it's a recording of memory.

memoirs if u will.

the reason i find myself in need of record is the simple fact that memory isn't reliable. the images in your mind gets distorted as u get older. so i plan on saying as much as possible for as long as possible. curious how the one thing a person needs about him is experience hidden in memories yet it is the one thing that you will never truly keep. i'm 19, and already my childhood is nothing but a pleasant or terrifying image. pending my mood.

that in itself is enough to make me shiver.

so i write.

to say things

to preserve a slight piece of myself for the world to c. only a fraction of my intentions with my words.

isn't it strange how people seem to decide who and what u are, how perceptions are believed to be the true self?

a lifetime of pretending makes u believe that u r an expert at pretending and that u can c thru all masks. what a lie. none of us will ever know the other completely for we rarely know ourselves to such an extent.

ramblings of an inexperienced child, i know. but still my ramblings to be read later and be re-examined and better understood.

Current Mood: drained